Thursday, April 27, 2006

Time For Action- Removing the Petco Curse

Ok, its official, Petco is cursed and it's time to exercise the curse so the Padres can start hitting the ball again. Oh, I hear the arguments that its not the park but the players, but I'm not listening anymore. Petco may have been built over an old Indian burial ground or some old SDG&E waste disposal units. Whatever it is, the lack of Padre offense is a Petco curse and must be lifted.

Removing the Curse
There are many curse removal possibilities. Here is one suggestion.

1. Gather the best bat from all 25 guys, their best, luckiest stick and take them to center field behind second base.

2. Stack them in your best boy scout tee pee shape with crumpled newspaper (not the UT sports section) underneath.

3. Douse with lighter fluid and set on fire.

4. Burn completely until there are nothing but ashes.

5. Gather ashes and have each player (no exceptions) sprinkle them around each base while hoping on one foot and praising the gods of hitting.

Other Curse Removal Tactics
1. Change the name of Petco to Sucaun or Pachunga Park.

2. Build a roof over Petco and keep inside temp at 72 degrees.

3. Return to Qualcomm and give the Chargers Petco. Maybe the hitting Gods like football better.

4. Players should wear unis inside out until someone gets a hit with RISP.

5. Call for volunteers for a major slump buster (see Mark Grace). The whole team might have to participate.

6. Fire Dave Magadan.

7. Bring in fenses to 250 ft, making opposing players play defense without gloves.

Things that Don't Work
These tactics don't work because the lack of offense is the Petco Curse, not skill thing.

1. Shortening your swing

2. Going with the pitch

3. Working the count

4. Being aggressive at the plate

5. Boxing the pitchers release point

6. Moving up in the box

7. Moving back in the box

8. Choking up on the bat, swinging off the knob

9. Changing the lineup

Quips
1. The Padres won't loose today, I guarantee it!

2. Piazza or Pizza as my kids call him, got number 400. Cool. Although Bonds has 212 more HRs then Mike. Amazing.

3. The irony of Petco is thick as a cube of butter. SD is about great weather, sunny and 72. But downtown, next to the bay, its usually cold and damp. Even in the summer, downtown requires a sweater. Could they have built the park in a worse location for weather in a city known for great weather?

4. Time for Meteorologists and Physicist from SDSU, USCD, and USD to get together and figure out what is going one at Petco with the air and hitting. Or maybe a psychologist would help more.

Padre Mike

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